Something that youre going to have to communicate about. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. A lot of family time. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Maybe he is making up time for that. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! and yea, pretty much every single sunday. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. At best, a season and a half. Laura Hope But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. But, youre not single now. It is what they like to do. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. artsygirl Bagge72 If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Oh yeah I forgot about that. Different strokes for different folks. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Ergo, off to the parents home. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. I am actually not promoting anything. Haha. All Im saying is be careful. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. Thats on you. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. lets_be_honest Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. I hate having family stay over at our house. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Will.i.am Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Thats a long ass time at home, no? My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. And he was a bore. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. but you have to talk to him about it. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. FireStar Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. I can see it both ways. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. And if they live together. Thatll probably shut them up. Or stay the whole time? its a really exciting time for your relationship! wendyblueeyes LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). I think its also different when it isnt your family. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. muchachaenlaventana a lot of people just arent that way. Years later, theyve never recovered. SpaceySteph I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. ReginaRey Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. I would plan some things. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. . You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. Please see my post below.. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. silver_dragon_girl I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Agreed. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. 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