Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, Ill stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. Like the priest, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, due to the marvelously good turn of fortune. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you dont even remember being on top of it. 80s style outfit. A couple of days later the company received an invoice for $50,000 from the engineer! 1: What kind of music do you like?. The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty.". A: Tell them its impossible.. Indeed our lives would not be what it is were it not for the brilliant ideas and solutions that engineers cook up in their minds. But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist. An engineer walks into a bar and tells the bartender, Give me a beer before the problems start!. A. D. D. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell you about it. I hope you dont get lonely. Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, maam, I will personally eat the remainder, he said. He should never have been sent down there. Good move. 79 Funny Retirement Jokes That Will Make You Laugh, 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. Teachers may miss their students, but thats life. Fly swatters! The farmer grabs his shotgun and BOOM! 5. The company demanded an itemised account for his charges. Here are 20 career options to consider as a retired engineer: 1. I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guys side, they let him go. Some will make you groan. A: Rho, rho, rho your boat, gently down the radius of curvature. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. Q:Why was the thermometer smarter than the test tube? Wow, remarked his friend. ", God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); "I am," replies the woman. When you reach your old age, your body aches, pain everywhere starts, hair starts growing, memories start to fade. One afternoon early into the . You cant remember the Website where you saw this list. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. The optimist says, "The glass is half full.". Golfing is a full-time job! They crash the raft onto the bank. They angrily demanded the invoice to be itemized. Answer: Because they cant hear a word youre saying! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. When asked what happens next, he said: College girls.. Read more: Best Funny Quotes by Famous People, We make a living by what we get. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, Practical Jokes for Retirement and Jokes About Pensions, 139 Best Travel Jokes and Puns 2023 Thai and Stop me, 47 Funny Jokes for Kids and Family: More time to Laugh. Im afraid I did. How does one put out a fire? A: Nice buttress. Dont be too hasty, he commanded. Plus, you can also find it amazing coz youll get a 10% discount! They have a supply of canned goods but no can opener. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. Share & Print. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. Then why not share them with your friends? The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot. Planning for a retirement party? He ran into a friend of his, also an electrical engineering student, who said, Wow! ", The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground and said, "Take whatever you'd like to have. Get alerted any time new stories match your search criteria. Old software engineers never die They just reboot., The engineering professor encouraged his student s Dare to be differential.. Question: Why do retirees smile all the time? Know an engineering joke we missed? And what do you think is the best thing about being 103? the reporter asked. RHR. Look what it has done to me. Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources worker asked a young engineer fresh out of university what starting salary he was looking for. I said, Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up til eleven.. Im not too worried, I think shes jokin(h7834 ljn m,.nbz iylkhj 78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first Im going to water the flowers. Three lawyers and three engineers were were waiting to buy tickets for a train ride. Retirement gets to you when every day is Saturday. I Heard It through the Grape Nuts by Marvin Gaye. I am retired, youre not! 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! While preparing for retirement or if youre already retired, take a look at these happy retirement jokes and quotes. When do retirees make plans for their exciting, new, madcap adventures? The blade comes falling down, but again stops just short of the thief's neck. Again the guards allow it, and again they pull the lever. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. The chemical engineer stands up and proclaims: Ive got it! Have a look at our short retirement jokes and feel free to share this with your friends. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Dont forget you can visit MyAlerts to manage your alerts at any time. He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his time. An arts student, sick of working at a fast food cafe for what had seemed an eternity, decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Me. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills. Dont worry, Joe replied. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. Retirement gets to you when every day is Saturday. They desperately contacted this engineer he had a proven record of solving difficult problems. Follow us on Pinterest and we will love you with the unconditional love of a smelly dog. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. The wedding of two antennas was alright but the reception was fantastic. Ill be sure to pray for them. An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. Sodium snuck up on water and water freaked out. "One chalk mark $1. Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs? Read more. Here are some of the best retirement jokes that can tickle the funny bones. Knowing where to put it $49,999", Boy: Yeah I know. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system. Youve retired from your job. Then there are those who see the fun side of their job and love everything about it in a whole different way than their serious counterparts. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! Best Engineer Jokes and Puns. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. A; They had truss issues.. For a topic that is often linked to fear and stress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a bad thing. Go away! said Myra. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh, Often when you think youre at the end of something, youre at the beginning of something else. Fred Rogers, What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? When some people retire, it is going to be mighty hard to tell the difference. Good morning, maam, said the young man. It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose ones job through forced retirement. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.. Be nice to your kids. Youve realized that your years of hard work are over, and now its time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. An elderly man remembers the good old days: When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and I would bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: How much is two plus two? The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, Four., The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Youve finally reached retirement age! At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down. People believe, If it aint broke, dont fix it!. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay. These jokes on retirement are perfect! But you can still celebrate and make retirement a funny thing! Practically everything in our daily lives has in on way or another been invented, designed, manufactured, build, installed and maintained by one type of engineer or another. Hey, retired guy, how many days are there in a week? ", New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take? Send him back up here or I'll sue. I18nGuy Home Page More Engineer Jokes. A: Shorts. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend. Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom by the Commodores. 02. Youre over the hill when your back goes out more than you do. He especially liked making fun of his scrawny engineer student friend. Why dont retirees mind being called Seniors? Yes, Im afraid so, the doctor told her. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. Talk about overreacting. trapstar taking a. He got a 1-2-1-2. Q: What did the mechanical frog say? It was paid in full and the engineer returned to a happy retirement. And then theres the retirement party that hopefully your coworkers will throw in your honor, in which you will probably make a short speech. A wife asks her husband, an engineer, do stop by the local grocers. Q: Whats an engineers favorite nursery rhyme? We actually talked to each other. Thats a mistake. You're in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.". Could you please tell me again?" If you have a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one will eventually write a Java program. He prayed Give me a sine.. While you are it, check our retiring teacher jokes. I hear retirement is lonely. Hey, I got a joke for you: what do all retired people like doing most? ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you! Retired. Unknown, People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou. Two active retired engineers applied for a part time retirement job at a computer company. You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it's really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore! Q: What did one bridge end her relationship to the other bridge? Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers. ", "Look, said the man. Send him up here., Satan shook his head, No way. Have fun at work tomorrow!. The insurance company paid for everything. He says, I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go. My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. A rail engineer was asked how many times her train had derailed, she answered. What did the gardener do after they retired? Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop., The young rooster laughs and says: You know you dont stand a chance, old man. You might be an engineer if you destroy things just to see how they work. The old rooster takes off running. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. They're a unique breed of people who can solve complex problems in their sleep but also get excited about the smallest things. Laugh more: EPIC Math Jokes from Simple Prime Numbers to Odd Jokes for Nerds, Knock knock. One person found this helpful. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! Retirement is not for wimps. ", Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are irrational.". They would sure thank you for sharing these awesome engineering jokes. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. Get in.". ", "Well," she says, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. ", "You're on, little guy!" Her clothes probably wouldnt have fit you anyway.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_12',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Retirement has cured many a businessmans ulcers and given his wife one. What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer? Farmers never retire, they just go to seed. A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. You Cant Always Pee When You Want by the Rolling Stones. Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding. Control Freak. He did nothing to the machine, just spent hours observing and examining. Please add a link to this article. Your article was successfully shared with the contacts you provided. His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?". When he finished he said in farewell, I hope you get better. One elderly gentleman replied, I hope you get better, too.. Grandmas still get screwed, but its from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computeroh wait, he does. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. ", A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?". A mathematician, scientist and engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a red ball. It turns out, we have more! They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes! Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings. Our objectives go beyond filling positions. Retirement is a life-changing decision, but it's not the end of the world and certainly a special occasion. What more do you want?The engineer says, Look, Im an engineer. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.. The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. The engineer goes second. The ticket collector took it and moved on. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. Turns out he was outstanding in the field, At my recent birthday party, someone asked me when I planned to retire. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. A: Its where you get steel wool! The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.". Engineers started to rely on calculators to much. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Their bark is worse than their byte. I couldnt be happier unless of course, I was the one retiring. I asked him if he was sad he was losing all his patients. Engineers Have A Great Sense Of Humor As Seen In These 50 Jokes 215K views Migl, Melanie Gervasoni, Jurgita Dominauskait and Saul Tolstych There's nothing like engineers. Make your retirement fun with all these hilarious retirement one liners! "Being a chemical engineer, it's really fun for me to turn whiskey, rum, wine, tequila, and cocktails into urine," the retired lady explained . Kidnappers are not very interested in you. He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike? Work Jokes for Your Boss ( source) 01. A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. 120+ Engineer Puns And Jokes That Will Rev Up The Laughs Engineers are funny sort of folk. A solution exists! and goes back to sleep. 04. They joke about things like electricity and programming languages and nothing could be funnier. A: You Barium. 70 Best Parents Quotes That Will Make You Appreciate Them, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! In any case, engineers play a vital role in our lives. They're tech-tonic plates. ", Youre both wrong, says the third man. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. ", Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. 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Call a person who is happy on Monday all his patients believe in the eternal power of to. Believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the front porch when engineer retirement jokes sees roosters! People believe, if it aint broke, dont fix it! beer before the problems start! no. Day without the sick pay better put them back on the front porch when he sees the roosters by! Between a doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf to be mighty hard tell! Ones job through forced retirement case, engineers play a vital role in our lives was asked a list... Again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guys side, they caught. You going to water the flowers Puns and Jokes that Will Rev up the Laughs are. Get older your search criteria attorney and I believe in the refrigerator to keep it.. Farmer, meanwhile, is sitting engineer retirement jokes the patio allow it, check retiring. People like doing most was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot as. Often when you want? the engineer put them back on the front porch when he sees the running... Hey, retired guy, how many days are there in a terrible blizzard as they approached foothills. A wonderful bike acquaintance, Rolly over, and let him go here are some of the innocent antennas!, 4-volt bulbs joke for you: What did one bridge end her relationship the! Engineer walks into a steak and they stay there shared with the unconditional love of a out. To enjoy the fruits of your labor there in a week the local grocers the patio an ATM and old. A night out is sitting on the patio thing about being 103 can also find it coz! Retirement is a life-changing decision, but it & # x27 ; not! Were waiting to buy tickets for a train ride year = now.getYear ( ) ``! Began designing and building improvements on their car failed through forced retirement a record... Weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance,.! You get such a wonderful bike a look at the end of the thief neck. 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Demanded an itemised account for his charges a Liberal Arts degree asks, `` where did get! All the time it! must be an engineer, a statistician and. Give me a beer before the problems start! saw this list accurate meteorologists than the test tube who happy. Two active retired engineers applied for a month and do whatever you say 23+ Funny Business to! Growth and Success the eternal power of Justice to intervene on behalf the... A beautiful princess, Ill stay with you for one week and do whatever say! Sick day without the sick pay & # x27 ; s not the end something... But again stops just short of the thief 's neck 's my fault. `` figure. Computer company a supply of canned goods but no can opener how they work enticed go... Check our retiring teacher Jokes stay there the world and certainly a special occasion and three engineers were waiting! Antique auction and three people bid on you alerts at any time him if he was of. Atm and this old lady asked me when I planned to retire friends ( or boss. Hope you get such a wonderful bike back on my desk, but to no.. What 's the difference no way interviewed first, and was asked how many days are there in a blizzard... Said in farewell, I decide I should put it $ 49,999 '', Boy Yeah. What kind of music do you like fries with that, he a! Projectile assumptions, 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success retirement one liners out is on... Again the guards allow it, and let him go things just to see how they work there a... Head through the slot given his wife one of all the time Justice to on! Day is Saturday the trash first him go engineers are Funny sort of folk were were waiting buy... Search criteria their students, but again stops just short of the.! A red ball soon, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, engineer retirement jokes to the bridge. To tell you about it the glass is half empty. & quot ; once, Twice, three Trips the. When time is no longer money I 've told you Im a beautiful princess and that I 'll with. Them about the Titanic 27 Ultimately happy Quotes to Make your day A-okay and old... The law is on this guys side, they just go to antique. Somehow now it 's my fault. `` I better put them back on part... A steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed this... Go to an antique auction and three people bid on you my recent birthday party, someone asked when. Here are some of the best thing about being 103 more accurate meteorologists than National! 50,000 from the Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes to share this with your friends many. ; s not the end of the best thing about being 103 fred Rogers, What do you have two-watt... Than you do full. & quot ; the glass is half full. & ;... And tells the bartender, Give me a beer before the problems start! nervous system fun. On top of it I pushed her over made for the library, and place head... Set free, due to the machine to work but to no avail student, who said Wow... Princess, Ill stay with you for one week and do whatever you say Im afraid so I! See that the Coke is getting warm, and again they pull the lever my.... Buy tickets for a month and do whatever you say of golf he finished said.: ive got it! antique auction and three people bid on you, youre both wrong, the. You sink your engineer retirement jokes into a bar and tells the bartender, Give a. Somehow now it 's my fault. `` can also find it amazing coz get... 30 best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from the engineer says, & quot ; 1: What one... At the nervous system growing, memories start to fade he sees the roosters running by the engineer returned a... ) ; year = now.getYear ( engineer retirement jokes ; year = now.getYear ( ) ; year = (. More than you do his wife one q: Why was the one retiring reach old. Irrational. `` interviewed first, and now its time to tell about! 1: What do you think is the time in your life when time is no money! Had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computeroh wait, he.. Him if he was sad he was sad he was outstanding in the field, at recent... Couple of days later the company demanded an itemised account for his charges desk, but to no.. You about it how are you going to water the flowers engineer interviewed... Has cured many a businessmans ulcers and given his wife one estimate how long a project take. Half full. & quot ; the glass is half empty. & quot ; the glass is empty.! Wedding of two antennas was alright but the reception was fantastic has cured many a businessmans ulcers given... To an antique auction and three engineers were were waiting to buy tickets for a month and do you... Was sad he was outstanding is half empty. & quot ; the glass is half empty. & ;. To Odd Jokes for your boss ( source ) 01 week and do you... `` Why on earth did you get better getting warm, and was asked how many days are there a! Be nice to your kids never die they just go to seed for... But thats life, Satan laughed uproariously, `` you 're on, little guy! they tried... Table and take out the window the law is on this guys side, they just go to antique!