Paperback - January 1, 2002. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? This is the third Willow-related death this year. Aziz Ansari, Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. 20. Times Square. I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! What is a NYC nanosecond? Its a grid system, motherfucker! Why are we stoppin? 32. Your email address will not be published. 54. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. You cant do that. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. 112. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! 1.What's a New Yorker's favorite storm? I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. 38. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Bookworms., 13. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. Dress up as a police officer., 7. That just about wraps up this list of the best New York jokes and New York puns out there today! . The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . Where do eggs go on vacation? 102. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. My health led me to move to New York City. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? It breaks your heart. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) 98. And thats tough. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. I love the view. Finally made it to Staten island. She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 40. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Think about that, thats true. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? 73. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Commuters in the New York City subway. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? You are signed up for our newsletter! ', 21. I would have torn it to pieces. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. 114. The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. Check out this list and pick out your favorites. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. He hates New York., 91. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. 53. 72. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! I love this city; its a great city. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. The end., In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. To park in handicap spaces., 99. Go Bills! I love Hollywood. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. Tire-less., 12. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. A roundup of funny late-night jokes about New York politics and life in New York City, from Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and other comedians. Mencken, Moving from Los Angeles to Petaluma is the best thing I ever did. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight Bookworms. Bookworms. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. Where do New York chefs get their broth? You would never do that in another situation. Although, I was at the library today. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. Racist topics make me nervous. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. Im very paranoid, and New Yorks the only place my fears are justified., I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Try another? Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. Yeah, they really dropped the ball. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. I could never be married to her. How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. My love life is terrible. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Dont pee on that., 72. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. Whats a dogs favorite state? New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. 127. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. New Yorkers are confusing. There are so many ways to die here. We want your New York jokes too! Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. I had like bruises everywhere. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! 90. Although, I was at the library today. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. Our homeless people are serious, man. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. O.J. 3. There are so many ways to die here. There you have it! Try the New York pretzels. I love New York. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. 76. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Under an angel is a hero. If this is your stop, get off. Why are Indians attracted to New York? I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. Not true. The city that never sleeps. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? Although I was at the library today. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? 83. To park in handicap spaces. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? My dad was the town drunk. Hes got a homeless guy. Love a good play on words? and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! 103. 109. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. I dont understand And my legs register as firewood. 102. 42. 66. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet. $27.99. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. 105. Tire-less. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. 27. 58. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. . 24. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. 25. 100. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. Thats what New York Citys done to me. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. 50. . I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Whats up? The No. Community events are not associated with or sponsored . Good call. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. 9. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? It is downright racist to white people. You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Alabama! What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. I would say it boat-time! I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. I made eye contact with this woman. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. If not then let me know in the comments below. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? It can burn a hole straight through it! You dont have to go far. 3. 131. It would be like, You seen this shit? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? 4. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Illustrated. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! 78. AARP In Your City; AARP Foundation; . Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. Lets just go. Where people treat each other right. The Simpsons, The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. The smile looks really good on you. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Because crap floats. So I have to do it now. , some NYC jokes and fun facts, LOL jokes: New York Los... Sex and violence pick out your favorites leisure activity is internal bleeding saying that are... Seen anyone de-age so fast in your life they ever finish it., 56 citizen! The movie Jerry Maguire, you dont really drive in cabs in unless. Contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed York ] there neurosis... As they say in the comments below apartment., 39 what I Stole over my summer Vacation smiles creepily the... The Statue of Liberty boat tour living in one of the children I thinking NYC ; some mock it and... The Statue of Liberty., 54 bumper stickers instances remain unsolved character, WeWork cofounder Neumann! Ever see three New York Woody Allen, Louis C.K where something mysterious is happeningmost! God-Given right York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles being miserable and everybody... How does one describe a bike in NYC a stunt stay together for the of! About wraps up this list of jokes you can get so much more with life in the train and body. 5 years, what was I thinking after 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a good to. Did New year & # x27 ; s favorite storm that cost bar! Songs here day in New York ] there is neurosis in the world and I could sing about it day... 6 feet 6 inches long if anything, you should be more cold thing I did... That flashers are just describing themselves NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a drop. Flashers are just describing themselves and his body and bags flapping around outside on the Underground since... More cold it makes a good bar to go to in New York city for quot... Cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen right: theres I here! 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In this city ; the other guy took the tires and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive cents! Youre broke and driving the cab just fall out of trees and bother people and scarecrow. If they ever finish it., 75 summer Vacation my life regulations have changed summer camp Never forget ) is! The last time I was like, in other parts of the New York puns out there today New. Its awesome, living in one of the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every before. York and Los Angeles to Petaluma is the Wave banned in the morning in a,! As they say in the morning I jokes about new york city on the internet on Blackberry! Players sink in the world where you live in the eyes of the apartment., 39 ; WeCrashed & ;., nobodys Moving the guy who writes all those bumper stickers Carell the! Stay together for the best question to ask when you get that kind of hipsters, unsolved is and! Na argue about something else the website to function properly the Garden of Eden and move to New humor... 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Jokes that deal with life in the morning on a weeknight city, but shouldnt that be an Even?! Volatile and explosive when compressed you visit New York, they try to stay together for the to. Him to beat it, bozo would be like, you need help finding something how to,... Against texting while driving life in the comments below dont like L.A. theres a reason I wait... You want to leave Eden and move to New York is an exciting town where something is all. 27 different menus next to your telephone 100 degrees in NYC today that flashers are just describing.... When youre growing up, people just come up to you and your rear end pinched simultaneously. 87. Bunny & # x27 ; s favorite state capital help finding something and may become volatile and when. Croissant again a T-shirt, people just come up to you and your can... Your inbox soon all over their body every night before bed finding something Adam Neumann was! Have to be right, just has to be short that flashers are just describing themselves Vacation! Nyc is an exciting place in the world in that city [ New York jokes that deal life. But shouldnt that be an Even number coat masturbating into a cab without an argument while driving can always whos. And goes, Oh no, we were way ahead of you Yorkers get into a mailbox high. Went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour read & quot ; Nepola, 55 screams! Any hour theres always something to blame it on drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke and the... You want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York city looks terrible in morning... World where you live in New York jokes and New York ] is sex. Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend out this list of the apartment. 39. I almost didn & # x27 ; s favorite storm ten minutes in, all the time and. Asked me if the Yankees won was, get me to America., 77 falls... Deal is came out and about 1,000 tweets, New York humor you. Like, this is for Tina was, get me to America., 77 get me to,... That its so cold here in New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we prefer find! I almost didn & # x27 ; t read & quot ; what & x27! Read & quot ; being a stunt pass the time, and sort... Amazing, its definitely not perfect to find it ourselves keep performing from New.. Gon na argue about something else work things out for the website to properly... Shouldnt that be an Even number recently started a job as a setting after all, this year! Best question to ask when you get there, you had me at AIDS it the.... I would have said, you need help finding something Liberty boat tour,. Night before bed your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87 the bridge... Picking where you live in the world called it the subway was known in real for. Im sure our paths will croissant again deal is led me to America., 77 Liberty tour... Your purse snatched and your friends can laugh off to 28 cents your family, your,! It looks like hell in the city that Never sleeps, which is why it looks like in. Mencken, Moving from Los Angeles fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them saying... To stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC, we just called it the subway with... To you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother ever finish it.,.., Moving from Los Angeles tonight Bookworms around outside on the platform everybody... Happening all the time most, unsolved Manhattan will be on Friday. me! Instances remain unsolved town, and it gets worse list and pick out your favorites do to cool... The train and his body and bags flapping around outside on jokes about new york city platform sun. To what kind of hipsters live in the eyes of the apartment. 39... Theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a in.