In short, they shame them. He never checks on me. 11. Its not going to register. . Thank you, Gina! I finally got to my feet and limped Quasimodo-like back to my office, calling out as I went. So, definitely look for the pages about Codependence. I expect too much. Thank you. But the awareness is transforming my dynamic with my partner, who I believe also has ADHD. He feels like a failure and I feel like the mom that has to hold it all together. Ive been working crazy-hard for too many years now. But my being invisible for so many years and being neglected, has taken its toll. Vote. No part of this blog may be reproduced in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations. Step 2. She made it very clear. Learn about it first. , You might also want to read my other blog: http://www.YouMeADD.org. Not knowing why shes always criticized. I can scarcely believe it but hugely grateful that I have found you someone genuine to acknowledge and validate my experiences [and feelings] with my undiagnosed adhd male friend, of senior years, my immediate neighbour whose behaviour and responses over the past 17 years, and particularly over the past two months [as he recovered from surgery and required my care], has sucked the life out of me but which has also spurred me to search for some explanations for his extra-ordinarily fractitious, hostile and verbally-aggressive behaviour , I thank you warmly for your beautiful and thoughtful approach hope to join your new courses I live in the antipodes . Weve still had incidents where he struggled to understand why something hurt, but hes let go of judging if my feelings are fair and embraces the idea that feelings always matter. I feel she is avoidant tendencies or disorganized and I preoccupied Like hell. I was completely rattled, tearfully saying that of course he could see his friend when we got back, that I was just hurt hed texted me during that scene with my family. The relationship is toxic, in the sense that they check on each other's locations all the time, call/text incessantly til one answer, and at times, he . In my new course, I approach the topic in a way that doesnt insult anyones intelligence, with dumbed-down slogans about chemical imbalances, etc. It might be worth re-doubling efforts there. He was all nurture and got me back into bed, with ice to suck on, and he magically produced a new thermometer. Most of our difficult conversations end with me crying - mainly because I feel so hopeless about finding a solution to any of our issues, so I just end up breaking down. 2. It seems that behavior you might not have tolerated in another person, you tolerated in this person, because he has ADHD and you wanted to be empathic? You have a diagnosis that, as I understand it, is worsened by stress. Im glad you found my blog. There were many many incidents like this where I would get hurt and need his help, or a friend of his or one of his animals would be suffering and B seemed to see it as a major inconveniencesimilarly to how you describe your partner at times Is it possible that your wife also has ADHD? Right now I am recovering from Covid. Yes, I feel duped! I understand this. The medical issue is one of real concern to me. Its a very tenuous partnership, never knowing when you will really need your ADHD partner to cooperate. My husband is working at home again these days, after 6 years of working in an office. So Addicted to work and lonely is my Normal. Hi there. I just wanted to say that I appreciate you sharing your experiences and helping families dealing with Adult ADHD navigate this slippery slope. And, I am intimately familiar with literally thousands of other folks battles on the same theme. He was in the bathroom. I feel like Im floundering. It took a while, and lots of immense, IMMENSE perseveration on my part. If he hasnt made any progress within a couple of years of diagnosis and uses adhd as an excuse, I would say maybe cut your losses. For too long, ADHD couple therapy has been focusing all support and sympathy on the ADHD partner and recruiting the Other Partner has a helper. So our next house, with much much higher real estate prices and less income, I gave us both our own rooms, his being the bigger one because sometimes he had to work from home. Your first attempt at problem-solving might not always work, but then you problem-solving THAT. I think the Concerta pooped out right after the second paragraph. Once home, I staggered to the bed and fell asleep. I urge you to take care of yourself. But you are smart to realize: Even people with ADHD who diligently pursue treatment and problem-solving can require more accommodations from their intimate partners. He saw my passion for skating before anyone else (I was likely the last to see it). It was, but not as painful as remaining on an ADHD Roller Coaster gone wild. I choose to stay. Then theres this Death of Expertise trend. Yet he came across incredibly self-aware and compassionate, as well as brilliant and adventurous, so this didnt scare me off. Life is short, hon. It was in shared jurisdiction and the cop was not NYPD. The no contact rule doesn't call for you to block him/her back. He has to do work on himself or it will always remain the same because no matter what I do, it is literally just me doing and that is not a team. I have been existing in great distress and trauma. But you might have to work to get it. 3. So now we are doing a trial separation where hes living with his mom (who wont take care of him like I did bc she doesnt do it for herself, idk if thats better or worse) and Im at the house alone. I do not feel that way, but I did remind him of the dealbreaker conversation, and said that I needed a timeline of when he could go to counseling, and whether or not he would consider taking medication, since his behavior has ruined most all of his relationships. So I went to the hospital for decreased fetal movement and spotting and the maternity ward said yes come in, that's a good idea. I was very sick a few years ago, thought it was the flu until I was bedbound, shaking uncontrollably. We can get into real trouble, though, if we believe that with enough love and caringand medicationa true sociopath can change. The joy zapper. Sounds like a great invention. I had a couple of insights/points to make, but they can wait for now. Stop making such a fuss," will not break through compulsive thinking. But as time goes on, many things can happen: loving, kind, and generous turns out to be an act (or at least short-lived), ADHD-related challenges and fallout interfere with expressions of these qualities, and lacking insight as to their challenges the pattern might be to blame others who are in their vicinity. There were no books to guide us. It Takes the Two of You. I often times, lately, felt like I didnt matter to him and he didnt care about me. Often, though, he doesnt seem put upon by my latest malady, but more like he doesnt know what to do about it. Thank you! You pursued treatment., And, from the sound of it, you . Mr. Toads Wild Ride-style. I heard a doctor say he was from the CDC. Youre several years into a relationship before discovering that one or both of you have ADHD. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/tag/adhd-and-empathy/. I very often feel like Im not only in this partnership alone, but that Im somehow beyond alone cause regular loneliness doesnt come with such financial strain and endless conflict. we dont get into relationships so we can be subordinate to the other persons disorder. Kudos to you for being willing to wade into this scary topic. As I said, prescribing patterns are largely inadequate. Youre only 35. The doctor gave the instructions to him. Sometimes it catches up with me 4 months before the relationship ended, I stopped my medication because it interferes with the ease with which I eat, prepare and manage my diet and makes it challenging to sleep often, especially when I have a busy schedule. It was really hard to make B pay attention to the emergency as B was so focused on showing me around his shop! Everytime I read stories about people with ADHD, it does little but to reaffirm that yep, thats me. Happening upon his Change Your Brain, Change Your Life at the local library is how I first learned about Adult ADHD. 28 years and they kept you in the dark, while you cleaned up the messes. I am exhausted! In that aftermath of despair, I started asking more profound questions about what was wrong with me, and with the help of desperate research have been learning about the extent to which ADHD affects dysregulated emotions, their intensity and the lack of impulse control which cant regulate the resultant behaviour. So this pattern change has locked in well for both of us, since the benefits have been so rewarding. Just.what?? The sense of loneliness for the non-ADHD partner particularly resonates with me. Answers that deny and minimize ADHD-related challenges. I have to remind him to set the reminders or write the list and even then, the task is always unfinished or done half assed to where I then must do something. If he has ADHD, he might make promises to you that he can't keep for a number of reasons. That can be my swan song, so that my conscience can be clear moving forward. Your dh and a blueberry farmer (medical doctor or not, it seems that didnt work out so well for him), deciding if you should live or die. It wasnt always like this, has gotten worse the older he gets. And you have a right to be cautious about who you join up with in life. You might want to read my most popular blog post: Dear Dr NerdLove, You have written eloquently about the ways ADHD has affected your life and your relationships. She was forthcoming in expressing her appreciation for my personality, and the ease of the relationship, like puzzle pieces. Ive literally sacrificed myself protecting his reputation,cleaning up his mess time and time again. I wrote my book for people like you.who need a comprehensive course in Adult ADHD, including its potential effects on the partners and the range of evidence-based strategies. You need to be around people who appreciate you. ADHD; Bipolar Disorder; Breast Cancer; Cancer; COVID-19; Crohn's Disease; Depression; Diabetes . You can be hurt by broken promises. At least, he meant to be. Ive spent the last 7 years trying to get him to be an equal partner with me, sharing responsibilities and working as a team, but Ive been progressively destabilizing the whole time trying to combat the anxiety from the mess and all the things that were never done. It can be extremely challenging for some people with ADHD to manage their own emotions, much less meet a partners emotional needs, especially in the intensive ways you describe. Blogging is a slog! Ghosting is done by many of us living with bipolar disorder, especially during bipolar depressive episodes. But most importantly, I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong with the relationship I began thinking she was losing interest and getting extremely rejection sensitive to perceived rejection when there was no problem at allinventing reasons for guilt. It's called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest in anything. It could happen, but it might be a wrong assumption. End of March we got into a fight, that ended up in me saying that this was hurting me more, so if he wanted a relationship I am willing to try but I cant do this push & pull. But first, turn on your speakers, because there are. My husband is recovering from years of bad sex addiction. Perhaps as responsibilities overwhelmed her and life wasnt as fun anymore. I have seen a couple therapists, and Im currently seeing a coach. Hes made sure I have had everything I need, no matter what. If your . Do I sound hyperbolic? I was confusedI was just talking about the stop at the store I looked at a clock and it hit me that he worked FOUR MORE HOURS AFTER HE SAID HE WAS ON HIS WAY. But the same as other ADDers, he is not very patient and easy to get irritated. I needed to get out of the hospital. After all, the pain caused by a breakup is enough to lead to depression. Rather, I have supported them for 20 years. There are just so many issues. Especially the medication chapter. Several years after the foot-surgery fiasco, I had another outpatient surgery. Thank you for giving me a safe space to talk about it, and thank you for advocating for BOTH partners in an ADHD relationship. How? Dont take a gamble that another mental-health professional who doesnt understand ADHD will play fast and loose with your life. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we've always had good communication and have been good listeners to each other. Its a much more dangerous situation when youre hallucinating and completely incapable of expressing your medical needs. My husband calls me a bi-phasic pack rat. Im happy that this post resonated for you. He claimed he was dropped cold without the courtesy of an explanation. This was not true. All kinds of things. I began researching ADHD because a young man (J), my husband, and I have taken in like a son, was dating a girl who said she had ADHD and she needed her drugs to stay focused. Hello! He took me to urgent care and they could not get my blood pressure. I rushed to the parking lot, [apparently], not realizing I hadnt fully explained what I was doing and HE was so upset, frightened, or whatever that he yelled at me across the parking lot, in front of estranged family, [thank you]. Im feeling pretty hopeless, ashamed, and increasingly detached from my wife as I continue to let her down, miscommunicate, fight with her, and lose her trust. He thought that, since he told me about the drug use after he had been caught, that it counted as full disclosure. . I was drugged and experienced a life-changing improvement in my behaviour, professionalism, emotional regulation, but regrettably hadnt sought other methods or tactics to deal with behavioural issues before meeting her because I didnt understand that ADHD is more than just being a goofy, silly, hyperactive, extrovert. Your story can have whatever ending you like. Eventually, we broke up. 6. Im glad I insisted we break the lease (knowing wed just hear dont let the door hit you in the butt on the way out and lose a months rent security deposit turnover is good for that landlord) because I was afraid Kenny wouldnt make it to the end of the lease to enjoy his yard but I thought he would and he didnt. Its for each person to assess and make the call. The financial part of that is hard at the moment, but since hes left he has been forced to actually see the disaster we are in and hes starting to address it at least a little bit. Will he miss me enough to contact me? She has integrated these ADHD behaviors into her sense of self, rather than seeing the negative parts of ADHD behavior as areas to improve, and if Im not 100% capitulating to her mode of operation, then I dont love her for who she is, and Im crushing her soul. I cant believe I believed for so long that it could have been worth it, if he had truly wanted to work on his issues, perhaps get meds, but he didnt and doesnt . But I see that his bad communication, and inattention to things that arent in his interest lane slam the door on real relationships. I woke from a nap feeling like death, and hadnt been able to keep any medicine or much water down. Regardless of whatever diagnosis they have/dont have. Im not sure how what you describe is gaslighting. But I understand how bizarre and blaming it must seem. I was having career issues at the time as well, but instead of dealing directly and effectively with them I simply stayed in my old pattern of working with my own, well-internalized priorities, (unconsciously supposing, I think, that excellence in my chosen areas would compensate for mediocrity in the areas important to others) and my spouse interpreted this behavior also as a manifestation of extreme self-centeredness. I am so relieved to have found this site. Will stepping back and allowing for your ADHD partner, now on board with treatment strategies, to have a moments transition help to heal past counter-productive patterns? Dont get into relationships so we can be clear moving forward this slippery slope therapists, Im! Blaming it must seem s called anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure or interest anything! Relationship, like puzzle pieces of you have a right to be people... 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